The Nutty Professor II: The Klumps

As much as I was dreading my Clone Wars review (look back an entry as to why I'm not reviewing that today), I was dreading this movie even more. Despite the seven years apart, I fully blame this film for the concept and creation of Norbit, one of the worst attempts at comedy I have ever seen.

Let's settle down at the table and pass around an extra helping of Eddie Murphy with the Nutty Professor II: The Klumps.

DVD Cover: Today's cover shows Eddie Murphy doing what he did best in the late '90s, early millennium- heavily made up to portray multiple characters with varying degrees of surprise on their faces.

They were pretty convincing when I watched the first movie as a kid, I had no idea it was the same actor playing those parts. Will they convince my older, more cynical self as I watch the movie today? Probably not, but what the hell.

Ironically, this movie would've been more enjoyable without the Klumps.

Plot: The movie starts, oddly enough, with gospel music as Mama Klump overacts and dances around, shaking her obviously fatsuit belly. No, really, it looks like Eddie just shoved a pillow in the front of his old lady dress!

The camera pans in on the other members of the Klump family as a few of them make jabs at each other for no reason other than to get the comedic times rolling. Sort of.

Dear Eight Pound, Six Ounce, Newborn Baby Jesus, let this movie be quick and painless.

It turns out that the commotion is a celebration over Sherman Klump finally taking his Not Jada Pinket Smith girlfriend's hand in marriage. Instead of marrying Jada's character, he's marrying Janet Jackson, leaving the audience to wonder how the hell that happened and why the story isn't focused on that rather than the misplaced comedic misadventures of the Klumps.

The next part literally PAINS me to type. While the preacher recites the timeless words of marriage binding and gets to the objection part, Sherman's Buddy Love persona decides to object via his penis.

No amount of therapy will EVER make this okay.

As Sherman tries desperately to fix his little problem, people reasonably run from the scene, presumably to vomit in the parking lots. Buddy Love manages to split from Sherman and kidnap his wife, laughing maniacally.

Cue one of my most annoying cinematic pet peeves- the "It was all a dream!" sequence.  Actually, it turns out to be Sherman reliving a nightmare that haunts him in therapy, but it's still annoying.

I agree with you, Doc. Throw 'em to the loony bin!

Apparently, Sherman is having a hard time caging his inner demon and when the heat is on, Buddy Love makes unwanted appearances, which scares our hero.

A few awkward scenes involving Buddy Love taking over later and we arrive at the plot- Sherman has literally created the fountain of youth, which he tests on a dog with amazing results. Remind me again why this guy is working at a lowly college run by an asshole of a Dean?

In any case, screw the plot, we've got fat people stereotypes to enforce!

The Klumps have been known to empty the entire kitchen's stock of food in one day alone.

The entire scene is comprised of nothing but food jokes, fat people jokes, Dads who never get along with their in-laws jokes, old lady boob jokes, old people sex jokes, and limp penis jokes. Truly we are going places in terms of comedy in this movie!

The tension comes to a head when Buddy Love takes over and causes Papa Klump to choke. Sherman regains himself to preform CPR on his Dad, which causes him to fart on a conveniently placed cake topped with a lit candle, which in comedic fashion causes an explosion of fire.

Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire!

The next day at college, Sherman finds out that Buddy Love is trying to take over his body and his Not Jada Pinket Smith girlfriend may be moving to Maine because of a job offering. Deciding that he wants to tell her how he feels, he randomly hires a Mariachi band to play behind him while he confesses his feelings to her outside her house.

Of course Buddy Love takes over and screws his chances with her. This drives Sherman to the breaking point, so he storms into his lab at the college, boots up a CD, and somehow manages to extract Buddy Love's DNA from his body. I'll repeat that for you- he extracts Buddy Love out of his body.

Scene change to Mama Klump trying to seduce Papa Klu-HELL NO. NO. Just NO.

Stop that! Those aren't even real!

The scene changes back to Sherman and his assistant, who warns Sherman that extracting Buddy Love might cause his intelligence to deteriorate. How he knows that is beyond me, but let's go with it. Sherman manages to talk Denise into seeing him again and proposes using fireflies and a spray can.

Back at the labs, a dog hair manages to land in the Buddy Love goo and somehow, I don't even want to think how this happens, results in Buddy gaining his own human form.

It's ALIIIIIIIVE!

The Klump women welcome Denise into their fold by dressing her up in Mama Klump's old wedding gown and making bad jokes about sexual relations. God help us all.

Later at the movies, Sherman and Denise have a run in with Buddy Love. He decides he wants half of the profit off of Sherman's fountain of youth formula and threatens to do "nasty" stuff to Sherman when he doesn't agree. When they part ways, Buddy reveals that he stole Sherman's wallet and the letter of recognition about the formula from him.

Sherman, realizing Buddy will come after the formula, returns to the lab where he finds the strand of dog hair in the Buddy goo puddle and bullshits his way through explaining how Buddy reformed.

The bullshit meter is off the charts!

Meanwhile, Buddy manages his way to the meeting for selling the youth formula, where it turns out that because of the dog hair, he has a super sense of smell that gets him into all sorts of comedic situations. How... random. He strikes a deal with the company saying that his formula is better than Sherman's and the company decides to see how the two hold up by judging them both.

Back at college, Sherman's mind starts to go because of his extraction of Buddy and his meeting with the corporation is in two days. To top it all off, Buddy breaks into his house and trashes it, looking for the formula.

We scene change to the lady Klumps getting ready for the bachalorette party and the jokes are so mind numblingly ranced, I don't have the strength to go there. Papa Klump shows up, and since we're already downhill, the scene just goes straight to hell. In a huff over Grandma Klump's jokes, Papa Klump goes home and downs Sherman's formula to regain his youth.

Mmmm, cherry flavored!

Sherman goes to Denise's house to meet her family, who just so happen to be rocket scientists and hope for him to be smart enough to date their daughter. Of course he blows it, the cherry on top being when he kills the beloved family parrot.

At the same time, a younger Papa Klump goes clubbing, flirts with an older woman, and gets his ass kicked by a karate using old man. Midfight Papa Klump turns back into his old, fat self, which scares away the karate man. Returning home, Papa Klump downs another shot of the formula and tries to get jiggy with his wife, as horrid as that sounds.

At least she reacts normally to the situation.

Sherman returns home from the desasterous family dinner and falls asleep in front of the TV, where he has a dream about his stupidity causing the end of the world. There's a really crappy Star Wars fart joke shoehorned in there, but we've heard this one a thousand times, so it's nothing new nor interesting.

Flash forward to the bachelorette party, where we're assaulted once again with an endless spew of raunchy jokes from the bowels of hell. Thankfully, Buddy Love attempts to break into the house, sparing us from further onslaught of terribad jokes, but not before cutting back to Grandma Klump ordering a male striper over the phone.

Grandma Klump ends up mistaking Buddy Love for the ordered male stripper and decides she wants him all for herself. God help us all.

This is one cougar I'm certain most will pass on.

Buddy tricks Grandma Klump into telling him where the formula is located and slips away as the real male stripper shows up at the door. Grandma Klump makes herself content by fantisizing about Buddy in ways that are too damn nasty to type. She then moves to the garage to confront Buddy and strips off her clothes.......

My. God. I just can't take it any more! I'm sorry, but I'm going to wrap up this horrible fest of terrible, tastless jokes with bullet points, it's THAT irredeemably BAD.

x. Eddie Murphy kisses himself. Which Eddie Murphy kisses which I'll let YOU suffer through this movie to find out.

x. At the presentation, Sherman's formula turns one of his hampsters into a large, rabid monster that shoots bullets out of it's ass. Yes, you read that correctly, it SHITS BULLETS. It also mounts and makes sweet, sweet love to the Dean.

x. Sherman breaks up with Denise because he's dumber than a can of beans.

x. Denise finds out about Sherman's sudden stupid disease.

x. A sudden influx of gay jokes rear their ugly head. Looks like we've hit every offensive joke under the rainbow of fail!

x. Sherman de-ages Buddy to an infant-like stage. Doesn't stop his wise-ass mouth from flapping, though. Did I mention he escapes, running amok while totally naked? Someone call Child Services!

x. Buddy evaporates and Sherman loses his mind. Denise's magical tears run Buddy's residue into a fountain he died next to, so she gets Sherman to drink the fountain water, which magically cures him. He and Denise are soon married and the screen fades to black.

This is what I have to say to you, Nutty Professor II!

Final Thoughts: I am ASTOUNDED that Roger Ebert gave this movie two thumbs up. Did he fall asleep early on and think a sweet mid-day dream was a suitible replacement for this hunk of cinema cancer?

Even more astounding still, I read official interviews that say the producers are trying to pitch a Nutty Professor III. Don't you DARE, Hollywood, don't you DARE.

The ONLY good thing to come out of this is Jack Black's parody of the movies in the fake trailer segment of Tropic Thunder-

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a brain to sanitize. *looks longingly into a glass of Jagermeister* Oh sweet, sweet alcohol, you'll make the hurt go away...