Mulan II

Let me tell you something I hate about fanfiction and continuations- the trope known as Pair the Spares. Basically, EVERYONE in canon needs to be paired up, no ands, ifs, or buts. This irritates me for two reasons- 1. It implies that no one can be happy single and 2. It's the reason we have suck squicky parings in the Final Fantasy fandom (I'm looking at YOU, YuffieVincent and RikkuAuron.).

What does this have to do with today's sequel? Don the clothes of your opposite gender and find out with me as we review Mulan II.

DVD Cover: If you can't tell the plot of this movie by the DVD cover and my rant on Pair the Spares, you probably don't see the wave of annoyance that threatens to overcome us today. In case I have to spell it out to you- see those three new characters? And the bumbling but lovable trio? Never mind the fact that this movie is called MULAN, we're having ourselves a little matchmaking episode!

Also, I'm not sure I'm so fond of Mulan and Shang having the same cocked eyebrow'd, Dreamworks trademarked facial expression. It's kinda creepy!

What, no witty subtitle?

Plot: The movie starts off serenely with George Takei monologuing about the great deeds that were done during the first movie. However, they are interrupted by Mushu cutting in about how great he is. Here's an interesting tidbit: Mushu isn't voiced by Eddie Murphy (instead he's voiced by Mark Moseley), which really weirds me out. Sure, he'll do the Nutty Professor II, but he won't come back for this? What the hell?

Anyway, it would seem that Mushu is rather enjoying his place in the family shrine, bossing all of the ghostly ancestors around because he helped Mulan save China. If anything, it really brings home how big a dick Mushu is and how relieved I'll be when this scene is over.

What George Takei wanted to say to Mushu during this scene.

After that eyesore, the title credits roll in a rather beautiful painted scene considering what preceded it. The scene slowly unfolds to Mulan's parents eagerly waiting for Shang to arrive. Mulan's Grandma is certain Shang will propose to her, saying the spirits have told her so, and we get a rather odd joke about Grandma trying to organize a betting pool within the family to wager when Shang will pop the question.

The excitement is put on hold when a child appears and asks where Mulan is. Her mother says that she's off in the fields doing her chores, and the child scampers away to go help her. But it would seem that Mulan isn't doing her chores in the fields. Instead, she's practicing her fighting moves.

This attracts attention from the village children (all female, might I add), who start to imitate her, so Mulan decides to teach them what she's doing. Because I'm sure their traditional parents would be so down with that.

Did I mention she does the teaching through song?

The song used here is called "Lesson Number One" and is really weird. Between telling the girls what they should be like, Mulan grunts and "Hi-yah!"s, which is really distracting and downright silly. It gets even worse when the kids try to imitate her singing and grunting too. Not really a good song to start your movie off with, Disney.

Thankfully, Shang's arrival ends the song. He joins Mulan and is immediately flocked by the children who are eager to hear him propose to her. Unfortunately, Shang flubs it and the children giggle mischievously at him.

Mulan shoes them away and Shang pops the question. Of course Mulan accepts, her parents watching from afar with joy. Joy which is ruined once again by Grandmother making yet ANOTHER betting joke.

Could you guys maybe be serious for more than three seconds? Please?

The scene changes to Mushu milking the news of marriage and crying his eyes out. No, not because he's happy for Mulan, but because he bigheadedly takes the credit for hooking them up. He then goes on to brag about how much of a boost the marriage will give his "career".

Good Gods above, I hate this guy already. Can we have a scene change? Please? Oh thank the ancestors. Mushu, declaring he'll plan Mulan's wedding for her, makes a quick exit to buy fabric. Meanwhile, it turns out Grandma invited all of China to show up on the Fa Family doorstep to proclaim their congratulations.

Regrettably, we cut back to Mushu, who makes the announcement of Mulan's marriage to the ancestor spirits. They start partying and Mushu thinks it's because it's because they're happy for her. This is partially true, but the main reason is because if Mulan marries Shang, Shang's family ancestors take over the position of guardianship of the Fa Family.

In the immortal words of Donald Trump- you're fired.

Back at the party, Mulan and Shang seem to be unable to agree on how the future will unfold. Mulan wants a big wedding, Shang wants a small one. Shang wants a Duggar-sized family, Mulan just wants one or two children. Mulan's parents overhear them disagreeing and decide to give them their wedding gift to soothe the disagreements.

Alas, the "main" plot has arrived! A messenger shows up and tells the couple that the Emperor has called for them for an urgent mission. The power couple saddles up, but before they can leave, Mulan's parents give them their present- a pair of yin yang necklaces, the black half for Shang and the white half for Mulan.

At the same time, Mushu seems to be leaning toward letting Mulan's happiness coming before his own and moving towards some actual character development... pff, yeah, couldn't say that seriously. In reality, he decides to sabotage Mulan and Shang's wedding under the guise that Mulan is secretly miserable with him.

What an asshole!

Look at him, he's like a Bond villain or something.

With the Emperor it's briefly explained that a large group of bandits are attacking. Instead of fighting, the Emperor decides to fork over his three daughters for an arranged marriage with the three sons of Qui Gong, a neighboring kingdom which will join in the defence of the country if the kingdoms are united through marriage.

Shang is obedient to the Emperor's request, but Mulan is distraught over having a hand in an arranged marriage. The Emperor assures Mulan that his daughters know what they are doing and consider it to be an honor to serve their country. He then moves on to ask Shang how many men they'll need on their journey, and Shang simply replies that he needs only three men.

You know where this is going. The scene cuts to Yao, Ling and Chien-Po being thrown out of the Matchmaker's home, the woman claiming that the Golden Dragon of Unity himself couldn't get them wives.

Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen.

To lick their wounds, the trio sing a reprise of "A Girl Worth Fighting For", proving their brains are in their pants and all they want are devoted cooking, cleaning, personality lacking machines instead of an actual person in their lives. Way to go with those morals there, Disney!

Mulan and Shang arrive to see them being thrown out of a bar and against any reasonable judgement, invite the three along on their mission. Later that night, the group loads up the cart with the Princesses and they leave, not before dropping a subtle-as-a-brick-to-the-head notion that the trio is going to fall in love with the Princesses when Yao returns a shoe to one of the girls.

Mulan strikes up some banter with the Princesses and pries about their arranged marriage. They insist that even though they've never seen the Princes (a fact that shocks Mulan), they are willing to do what they must for an alliance with China. With that said, the group sets out on their journey to Qui Gong.

What, no travel song?

Along their travels, Shang and Mulan get into an confrontation over the mission, mostly because Mulan is too hung up on the arranged marriage aspect. Shang manages to smooth it over by saying that not everyone can have a perfect chance at love like they do and... hold on a sec, I think I'm losing my lunch at the sappiness...

The next few scenes involve rather unfunny banter with Mushu and Cri-Kee and Yao being hung up on his self proclaimed "cosmic moment" with his ideal Princess. After some loud jabs via his friends, Yao sinks into depression when he remembers that they're involved in an arranged marriage.

Inside the cart, we're introduced to our female trio- Mei (voiced by Lucy Liu), the middle Princess who interacted with Yao briefly and now has a full blown crush on him, Su (voiced by Lauren Tom), the peaceful youngest sister, and the unfortunately named Ting-Ting (voiced by Sandra Oh), the eldest Princess and rule stickler.

If this is what love at first sight does to you, I think I'll pass.

As Mei and Su squee about how love is awesome, Ting-Ting is quick to cut their antics down, reminding them that they are to be married soon. They all then fan themselves in quiet depression as sad music plays. Um... deep?

Mulan then informs the Princesses that they are stopping to rest and Mei insists that she go outside to stretch her legs. She promptly leaves the care of her two sisters to shamelessly flirt with Yao, who suddenly becomes an uber klutz thanks to the overwhelming power of boobies.

Meanwhile, Su tries to gather some fruit and has trouble reaching the higher pieces, so Chien-Po picks her up to get them. Blatant disregard for personal space and touching aside, these two seem more genuinely in love than the other two, so I guess I can forgive it.

Ling's encounter with Ting-Ting... is painful. Lots of bad jokes are had and I'd react exactly like Ting-Ting if some guy came up to me and started spouting off bad puns.

You'd do well to get yourself some mace, Ting-Ting.

After a fun (and I do use that word lightly) filled rest, Mei confronts Mulan indirectly about her churning feelings. Not knowing the true source of Mei's problem, Mulan says that you have a duty to your heart, which helped her make the right choices when saving China.

When she leaves, Mushu decides to put his breakup operation into action. How does he do this? By pulling all sorts of juvenile pranks on the guy. Wow, Mushu. Wow. In the midst of his scheming, Mushu manages to knock the cart housing the Princesses loose causing it to roll down a steep slope.

The cart rockets down the hill toward a cliff (why would you park the Princesses on a HILL near a CLIFF?!), it knocks into the trio, who grab a ride on it and try to rescue the girls. Mulan and Shang catch up on horseback, and try as they might to stop the cart with a rope, everyone ends up going over the cliff side and into the river below.

Everyone surfaces and is okay, but now the group is without transportation and necessities, and night is falling.

Dude, what's with the touchy? She's someone else's fiance right now!

As everyone else is adjusting, Mulan and Shang talk about what they plan to do next. They get into a typical "men don't ask for directions" fight, hardy har har. Yao shows up in the middle of their argument and shows them a town further down the river. Because Mulan and Shang's relationship is sickeningly sweet and perfect, they make up and apologize.

Later that night, Mei watches Yao split wood with his bare hands and sighs lovingly. Excuse me while I vomit. Ling returns Ting-Ting's fan and actually makes a sweet joke, but klutzes up and stalks away, defeated. When Ting-Ting doesn't fangirl over him, Mei chews her sister out for not embracing the special bond they have together, but is cut short when Ting-Ting remarks that she remembers the mission they are on.

Angry and heartbroken, Mei stalks into their tent and writes a farewell letter to her family, claiming that she can't ignore her duty to her heart. Su and Ting-Ting arrive in time to see what she's written, and Ting-Ting tells Mei she has to stay for the sake of their country.

What we get next is a surprisingly good song called "Like Other Girls", where the Princesses reveal that all they want is to be normal. Considering the first song consisted of grunting and the second was a rehash, I'd say this was the best song of the movie.

Though I admit, the line up of "Get crazy!" "With frosting!" makes me giggle in a really immature way.

Chien-Po hears the commotion while gathering wood and sneaks off to tell Yao and Ling. At the same time, Mushu creeps into Shang's tent and starts whispering lies about Mulan into his ear while he sleeps. He then throws together some straw dummies that look like Mulan and the Princesses, impersonates Mulan's voice, and puts on a show of Mulan dissing Shang's choices with shadow puppeteering for Shang to overhear.

In a rage over the things she supposively said, Shang charges out of his tent and over to where Mulan is keeping watch. An argument erupts between the two of them and Shang marches away mid fight, leaving Mulan to consult Mushu, who of course fans the flames.

Back with the trio, they patrol rather stupidly until the Princesses come to sit around the campfire and drink tea. For the sake of the easily amused alone, the trio get into a fight that thrusts them into the open with the Princesses, who wonder what on Earth is going on.

Because their brains are in their pants, the trio can't figure any other way to ask the Princesses out other than lying to them. After Mei and Su beg Ting-Ting, she gives in and they all sneak away while Mulan and Shang are nowhere to be seen.

Whatever it takes to get laid, I guess.

Back with Mulan, Mushu is still fanning those flames of rage when he notices the Princesses sneaking out with the trio. Reasonably, Mulan freaks and runs after them, deciding to leave Shang behind. Once she's gone, Mushu  purposefully wakes Shang up, who stumbles into the Princesses' tent looking for them, discovering Mei's unsent letter of her feelings. He then mounts his horse and rides along the trail of footprints leading to the city.

At the city, the girls and guys have a lovely time together at a conveniently timed festival, where Yao wins a stuffed panda for Mei, Chien-Po and Su dine on the same liked snacks, and Ling finally wins Ting-Ting over by what I can assume was pushing her to the brink of insanity.

Alas, the night of magic comes to an end when Mulan arrives. Only she's totally cool with all the romance going on. Then Shang shows up and gives everyone the chewing out they pretty much deserve for screwing the mission six ways to Sunday.

You're all pretty much screwed.

The next morning, everyone travels in silence over the events of the previous night. All except Mushu, who's having a grand time being a gloating asshole. As they continue down a high walled cliff path, the Princesses apologize to Mulan about causing strife in her relationship with Shang.

As they walk, the trio talk amongst themselves loudly about what they'd like to say to the Princesses, knowing full well that the girls can hear them confess their true feelings.

On the flip side, Mulan is so depressed Mush tries his hardest to lift her spirits. Upon receiving compliments from Mulan about how loyal of a friend he is, Mushu cracks and confesses what he did. Way to show the strength of dragon kind, Mushu.

Mulan is NOT amused.

Understandably, Mulan is pissed, but her feelings of relief and love for Shang are more urgent, and she jumps ahead of the group to tell him what happened. But it looks like romance will have to wait when bandits suddenly attack!

The Princess and guards stupidly split up from Shang and Mulan and in the confusion, Mei gets kidnapped. The kidnapper gets as far as a bridge where Shang barrels him over and Mulan sends Mei back to the other side. Realizing that they need a getaway, the bandits cut the bridge, leaving Mulan hanging on a rope while Shang clings to her arm.

Deciding that he'd rather Mulan live than both of them die, Shang lets go and plummets into the abyss.

I blame Mushu for this.

Mulan decides that the Princesses and trio are to live their lives the way they want to and that she will offer herself up to the kingdom of Qui Gon in the Princesses' place. We cut to see that Shang survived his fall and is rescued by his horse (how'd it get down there?). But will he be in time to save Mulan from what she dreads most- a marriage to a man she's never met?

The group reflects on how Mulan can complete the mission when Shang shows up, telling them that she is going to offer herself to the kingdom instead. That fall must have knocked some of Mulan's sense into Shang, for he decides to stop the wedding, knowing what Mulan thinks of arranged marriages. Dispite being told to stay, the rest of the group follows Shang to Qui Gon.

Back at the palace, Mulan prepares herself to marry the eldest son of the kingdom. As the wedding starts, Shang appears and interrupts the ceremony. Things start to get ugly when Mushu gets an idea. Finally acting for the benefit of his friends, he slips inside a statue of the Golden Dragon of Unity and declares that Mulan and Shang are meant to be married by order of the spirits.

I just love happy endings. *cries*

Mushu gives Mulan and Shang a Vegas-style speed wedding, declares the Princesses free of their arranged marriages, and everyone celebrates.

Back at Mulan's house, Mushu prepares to give up his perks, but since he did the right thing in the end, the plot rewards him when Shang combines the family temples, which loop holes Mushu into keeping his position of guardian. Mushu can't help but celebrate, accidentally revealing himself to Shang in the process.

But it's all good, it turns out Mulan already told Shang about Mushu and her adventures. Mulan then goes to ask Shang if he can combine the temples like this, but he shrugs it off saying that it's a rule that's up there with cross dressing to get into the army.

Nice hat, by the way.

The movie ends with Mushu demanding that his pampering start up again, being as demanding as he was in the beginning. So much for character development...

Final Thoughts: This movie was a bag of mixed nuts as far as what I thought about it was concerned. Call me a stick in the mud, but Mushu pissed me off to no end in this movie. Ever notice how most sequels could be over and done with if one of the main characters would just talk out his issues instead of clam them up inside? If Mushu would have confided in Mulan, his friend, that "plot point" would have been cleared away in five minutes. Not only that, but Mushu's actions paint him as a spoiled, my-way-or-the-highway guy and yet he STILL gets his rewards in the end because he did the right thing when the chips were down. Morals, Mushu- get some!

The Pair the Spares is also weak. I don't really get the YaoMei and LingTing-Ting couples at all, nor do I feel they would actually work aside from the plot forcing them together. Chien-PoSu on the other hand, has this kind of calming air around it, and I found it believable, even if they are too touchy feely for a girl who's pretty much a peace bargaining chip and her guard.

The animation this time around was better that usual, MUCH better than Atlantis: Milo's Return, but still not on par with the first Mulan, which felt like a traditional Chinese painting. There's also that distinct lighting issue I mentioned. What's up with that, Disney?

I've heard rumors that there was supposed to be a Mulan III and I shudder at the thought of what that would be like. There's no one left to pair off aside from Mushu... *shivers* No! I don't even want to think about that! I'm out of here!